Want to feel better about everything in your life? Then stop resisting what is.
Take a listen to this story: Last night I was in the waiting area at the dance studio while my daughter was in her ballet/tap class.
The entire time I was there, which was about an hour, a little boy was freaking out–crying, whining, lying down on the floor, throwing things, you know the drill.
His older sister was in the same class a my daughter, and although his dad was doing a pretty good job of staying patient, all I could see was resistance.
Resistance is hurting your life
The boy was resisting his dad’s requests to sit in a chair, or sit still, or be calm.
The dad was resisting his kid’s energy, his whining, his tears.
Neither one of them was willing to accept the situation the way it was (the kid wouldn’t accept he had to wait for an hour, the dad wouldn’t accept his kid was not going to be a model citizen), and so both of them suffered.
And you know what?
We’re all doing this same thing all day long and it makes our lives harder and more painful.
How to Stop Resisting What Is
#1 NOTICE WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO RESIST WHAT IS HAPPENING
Imagine this: You’re driving somewhere and there’s a huge traffic jam. Is your reaction to settle in and put on a good podcast? Or do you feel tension in your chest, anxiety or anger building, a strong desire to complain or yell arising? If you’re doing the latter, you’re resisting what is, and that creates turmoil and suffering.
Or what about this scenario? You wanted your spouse to get up early and go hiking with you while the world is still and the temperature is somewhat cool. But instead they’re slumbering blissfully (clearly you don’t have kids in this scenario), hitting snooze on the alarm clock and not doing what you wanted them to. Do you take a breath and accept the situation? Or do you get agitated and huffy, giving them the cold shoulder even after they do get up?
People sometimes get stuck here, thinking that accepting a situation as it is (AKA stop resisting it) means that people walk all over them and they never get what they want.
#2 THink about how it would feel to accept the situation
That’s not what I mean, though. Let’s take the hiking situation. The more you push against what’s happening, and by that I mean the more you hold it inside, the more you let anger build, the more you keep saying “no, no, no!” in your head, the more upset you’re becoming. You’re going to yell at your spouse or get quiet and moody. You’re not living that peaceful life you long for.
On the other hand, if you take a deep breath, stay in the moment, and accept that your spouse isn’t doing what you were hoping for, you can take action from a place of peace. Perhaps you’ll leave a note saying you decided to go alone. Perhaps you’ll go outside for a walk or go to a cafe and have a muffin. Maybe you two will go hiking later, maybe not.
#3 Learn to set boundaries
If the type of situation mentioned above repeats itself over and over again, you set a boundary, but you do it from a place of peace. You tell your partner the night before that if they’re not awake by 8:00 am you’re going to make other plans/go hiking alone/take the dog, instead. And then you do that, and you do it with complete acceptance.
Boundaries allow you to both feel calm and respected but to also accept life as it unfolds. If your kid is flailing and freaking out, you can set a boundary: Take five deep breaths or we’re going to the car. You’re accepting where your kid is right now but also letting them what will happen if they don’t begin to change their behavior.
In the traffic scenario, well, you don’t have much of a choice but to accept it and breathe through it. There’s no real way to set limits with traffic, is there?
#4 Release your emotional bean bags
There’s one more thing to consider here: The pain body. Pain bodies, as Eckhart Tolle calls them, can be identified whenever you react in an outsize way to a situation. (Jess Lively calls them emotional bean bags, so that’s what I call them, too.)
Let’s say you and your spouse are in the car together during that traffic jam and you’re fine about it while they are absolutely losing their mind over it. Pain body! Bean bag!
Or let’s say your young child calls you and your spouse dumb–your partner may handle the situation in a cool and calm manner while your anger flares to 11 and you start throwing things. Bean bag alert!
The good news is this: If you let your bean bags come up and actually allow yourself to become aware of them and experience them, they can go away. (I also offer bean bag release sessions, if you want someone to help you get through your first few.)
Releasing these emotional triggers will help you immensely in your quest to accept things as they are.
you can LEARN TO accept things as they are
I find I am resisting situations all the time now that I know what to look for. Instead of accepting that my daughter isn’t getting into her car seat when I want her to, I push against it, trying to make her bend to my will. It doesn’t make her get into her seat any faster when I get upset. Setting a boundary, though, can help this situation: Fasten yourself into your car seat or we aren’t going to see Grandma/I’ll fasten you in myself.
I also struggle with resistance when it comes to career, resisting the idea that I might not succeed as an artist/writer/coach in the long run. But you know what? When I say to myself, “I might not make it,” it actually makes me smile and laugh. Accepting that I don’t know what’s going to happen and I’m just going to stay right here, in this moment, makes things flow so, so much better.
So try this, if you will: Accept what is happening, even if you don’t like it. Breathe into it. Let it be, because it is. Stop resisting.
Once you’ve truly (truly!) become peaceful with it, then take your next step. Make your choices from a place of peace rather than a place of resistance.
If you want inner peace, and I think you probably do, give this a try.