Guys.
Remember how I was struggling with whether or not I should go to grad school? And then I kept coming up with reasons why it was okay for me to go to grad school/why I should go to grad school?
I think it was all a cover.
I think it was all me trying to work around my fear of being an artist FOR REAL.
I remember having a conversation with a mom friend about whether or not I should go to school and saying it felt like the safe option.
Safe. Stable. Normal.
Well, some not-normal stuff has been happening to me, and I think I’m going to let school go. I think I have to, like, absolutely HAVE TO, pursue this other thing. Follow my heart. Do what brings me joy.
Let me back up briefly. A few weeks ago, a former employer reached out to see if I wanted a part time job with them. I had recently felt a shift in the Universe where I felt ready for that, and I can mostly do the job from home, and it’s super flexible, so it felt like the right fit.
At the same time, my daughter turned three, and I started thinking/feeling about starting school (I’m supposed to take one class over the summer and start full time in the fall), sending my daughter to preschool, AND starting this job.
And I started melting down.
I was crying a lot, from stress, from change, and, when I really looked at it, from realizing I was giving up the life I’d dreamed of for myself and my family.
Truth: I always thought I’d be painting in my studio in the backyard. I thought I might homeschool or unschool so my kid (or kids) didn’t have to grow up in a box. I wanted to travel often, even during the school year. I wanted to be free. Going back to school and doing all of the conventional things made that all feel like it was slipping away.
As that started to sink in, I started having some serious anxiety. And, as the Something Bigger stepped in to help, I became really drawn to various interviews and webinars with Martha Beck.
I’ve mentioned her before, but Martha is kind of my guru. I’m not a religious person, but I’m spiritual (obvs), and her work has spoken to me for years—a decade or more. In 2009 I went through her life coach training program, and got to coach Martha herself for my final certification test.
Every time I hear her talk, I feel better. She doesn’t try to sell anyone anything, ever (other than joy and freedom, but she expects you to find that yourself). The only thing she says, over and over, but in many different ways, is to go toward what feels good and away from what feels bad.
Okay, so on Mother’s Day I was out at the lake walking by myself. I’d been struggling, feeling boxed in, and had been feeling drawn to listening to a recent webinar held by Martha. I listened to some of it on my walk, and started having all this anxiety about a bunch of different stuff. I got in my car and drove home, and all of a sudden it became very clear to me: I’m not supposed to go to school. I’m not supposed to be taking the path I’ve put myself on.
A bunch of other stuff had happened, too, but it’s too hard to explain and I’m not even sure I can put a finger on all of it. Many shifts, many changes of direction, and not a change of heart, but a deepening of listening to my heart.
This is what I kept saying to myself when I realized this wasn’t the right path: F*ck.
This isn’t what I wanted to happen!
I put myself on this road and thought it was a good “normal” thing to do. One that might make me kinda happy. Realizing that I have to stop doing the safe thing and putting myself in yet another box is really hard. I want the easy thing, dammit!!!
But I can’t do it. I need to do the thing my heart yearns for.
In the late fall or early winter of 2015, I felt ready to let go of coaching about body image and food stuff. I saw an Instagram post by Elizabeth Gilbert that shared some work by Caroline Kelso, and MY HEART STOPPED. I knew, instantly, that I had to get back to making art.
I started pretty much immediately, but then lost steam.
I let fear creep in.
I applied to graduate school.
I picked art back up, and by the winter of 2016/2017, I was making it often. I got really into making patterns, and my painting was getting better and better (IMO).
Then I got accepted into grad school. I started second-guessing myself. I let my fear of failure keep me from doing what I wanted to do. I figured at least if I became a school counselor I would have summers off for art.
Since Mother’s Day, I’ve been trying to keep myself in this zone of peace and happiness and certainty, so I’ve been listening to a lot more MB interviews. She said something on one podcast that was along the lines of “everyone benefits when you follow your path.”
Did you hear that? EVERYONE BENEFITS WHEN YOU FOLLOW YOUR PATH. I believe this. I believe we all have more energy, compassion, and connection when we follow our path.
THIS is what I want to teach my daughter. That following your path is always the right thing. That listening to your body and heart and going towards the joy is always, always the thing to do.
Screw fear. Screw the voices. Screw what society tells me.
Yes, I’m freaked out. Artists don’t usually make a living, or so they say. But I don’t know that I’m “just” an artist. I also love to write. I can see myself speaking. I can see myself doing group teaching/coaching type things. I can see that it will change over time.
F*ck guys, I’m scared. I still haven’t officially pulled the plug on school, but my husband said (as I was thinking it) that I should do it now so that someone else can have my spot and even take summer classes if they want to. I think that’s the kind thing to do, for that other person, and for me, too.
Earlier this evening, there was a giant, gorgeous dragonfly on our porch railing. I went inside to get my daughter and husband out to see it, and it stayed for a while so we could look at it. As one who is always looking for signs, I decided to see what the symbolism for a dragonfly is, and here’s what I found:
The dragonfly, in almost every part of the world symbolizes change and change in the perspective of self realization; and the kind of change that has its source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life.
Wow. I know, I know, it’s like reading a horoscope and being like, “yeah, I ran out of toilet paper recently, just like it said I would!” However, there are just many little, teeny, tiny magical things/signs that I have been seeing around my world that lead me to believe in following my path.
THANK YOU for being on this journey with me. I know I have more back and forth than an oscillating fan on a summer day in Mississippi, but it’s because I’m honest with you and tell you how I’m really feeling and what I’m really thinking in any given moment.
Art Lately
I am not surprised by your decision at all… Art is what you should be doing. Thank you for sharing your journey!
Thank you, Kim! You always have my back. I feel really good about my direction now.